Summary

The brain, it’s a complicated organ and the most valuable one you can have. It controls everything, thought, memory, emotion, touch, motor skills, vision, breathing, temperature, hunger etc. If the brain is damaged, all those emotions can be affected, so it’s how you look after it that counts. For me unfortunately, I have had my brain damaged and have a hidden disability. If I had a missing limb, I am sure people would understand more, but because it is internal, I think it’s hard to understand. Even I find it hard to understand, and after 14 years on from my accident, I am still coming to terms with what happened to me. I think for the first 10 years I didn’t understand. It’s only until the last 4 years I am beginning to accept why I am the why I am, why I act certain ways and what I can do about it.

This last year, after leaving my job, has given me time to understand myself more and try techniques to help improve my life whilst living with a hidden injury. I don’t want to sound like I am wanting attention, I am purely writing down what it is like living with a brain injury, so perhaps others can try and understand.

My thoughts

I don’t think I will ever be completely recovered, but if I can at least try and deal with what I have the best I can, that’s all that matters. To be honest, I am amazed at how well I have recovered. There was a point when I was in hospital, the doctors said to my family that if I were to recover, I wouldn’t be me, I would in a wheelchair in a vegetation state. I have to be thankful that I am alive, but sometimes it’s tough to see the positives. As time has gone on, I begin to realise that I suffer from concentration, memory problems, short temper, low moods, fatigue and tinnitus. My brain is bruised, and it gets tired. It’s upsetting at times, but I am getting there slowly. Sometimes it’s a case of going on my bike or going for a walk and just being distracted away from everything to focus on the now, and not thinking too much. Taking a set back to the simple things can help hugely.

I get fixated on things sometimes and can’t seem to think of anything else. E.g., I remember when I went to the shops to buy a new duvet set. I found what I wanted, bought it, came home and mum said “you do realise you’ve bought a king-size” I felt rage rise through me. I was so annoyed with myself. I got so angry; I couldn’t think of anything else and I had to change it straight away. Sometimes the simplest of tasks, if I get it slightly wrong can really anger me. I start beating myself up inside. It’s hard to come out of that mindset and I can’t work my way through the problem and then when I do, I become tired and just need to switch off. I am sure anyone else would just laugh it off and change the duvet set the next day but sometimes the simplest of tasks like these can affect me.

Sometimes I can wake up, I feel great, then the slightest thing can make me feel extremely down. I get into this dark hole and can’t crawl out of it. It’s like I am in a foggy dark forest, I have lost the path, and I can’t see out of it. It takes me hours to eventually find the path and sometimes it’s the next day. This reflects badly on my family and friends, and I come across as cold and emotionless. It’s really hard to pick myself up.  

I always remember when I was at university, three years after the accident, people always said to me “why do you go to bed early?” banging on my door waking me up, or even sometimes when I was home, people said “aren’t you staying out for another drink? Why are you going home?”  It wasn’t that I was being unsociable. It was because my brain was tired, and I needed to sleep to rest. Increased brain activity really affected me, and I found it overwhelming. It takes a long time to recover from a brain injury.

These are just a few examples of what has happened in the past, and I still suffer from it on a daily basis, but the more I realise this, the better I can cope when the situation arises. Having a good diet and looking after myself is a huge factor too, also sleep. This is something I have taken from coming out of hospital. I used to go to bed at 3 in afternoon, wake at 6, have something to eat, then go back to sleep until 9 am the next day. The recovery was hard, but it’s what healed me and made me stronger. It’s like the old saying ‘look after your body, and it will look after you’